My Mental Health Journey

Last year, in April of 2022, a sudden spell of mania sent me to a hospital psychiatric unit for a week. This was after spending a night in the emergency room. My behavior had alarmed my immediate family and girlfriend immensely, enough for me to call an ambulance on myself to expedite my recovery.

We’d normally call the psych unit a “psych ward”, which evokes imagery of straitjackets and solitary confinement in padded rooms. My experience was nothing like this. It was like living in a college dorm, except with caring medical attention and community activities like DBT therapy. I wore my own clothes once my family brought them. My family and girlfriend came to visit many times, and I talked to friends on the phone.

This bout of mania started after a weeklong vacation in Florida with friends, sleeping 3-4 hours a night. Sleep deprivation, the excitement of seeing friends, mild use of alcohol, being on anti-depressants, and the stress of traveling sent my affect sky high.

There were many warning signs of mania that I had no idea were a concern, or that they even existed. Conventional signs such as: abnormally elevated mood; grandiose ideas that all felt brilliant (like thinking I could get a PhD from MIT or from EPFL in Switzerland, having done little academic research and not having the grades for it); paragraphs and paragraphs of writing, each switching ideas mid-sentence many times; compressed and rapid speech; decreased need for sleep; feeling rested after little sleep; and staying up all night reading or writing.

Other signs more specific to me showed up too: ignoring punctuation when. writing. like. this, intentionally misspelling wordzz; Apple Notes filled with nonsense; messaging old acquaintances I hadn’t spoken to in 3+ years with long, eccentric messages; tweeting frequently at people who I deeply admire and celebrities, after never having used twitter; cursing more than usual in speech and writing; weird rants on whiteboards at work; sending so many messages in Slack at work during a meeting that my teammate had to bark at me to stop because it was spamming their notifications; an insane ranting blog post about programming languages; being incredibly amicable to strangers and employees at stores; and becoming obsessed with power tools and woodworking. I’ve since deleted those tweets and the blog post, but you can find the blog post in the git history of this site if you are curious.

These symptoms were present in decreasing severity from about April to August of 2022, alleviating as I figured out and adjusted to medication. I’m mortified by some of my actions, and am embarrassed by more. If we interacted in during this period, thank you for your patience and kindness, and I apologize if I weirded you out. To the people in charge of hiring at the company I applied for in June 2022, sorry about the frenetic application you received.

In particular I want to thank my previous co-workers and manager for their handling of my situation. I was working during this period when I probably should’ve been on medical leave. One of Duo’s core values is, “Be kinder than necessary”, and everyone I interacted with there exemplified this. Duo and Cisco and the people that work there genuinely care about each other, which was fortunate for me during this uproar in my life. Any friction I caused was handled with patience, mentorship, and calming kindness. A couple of my teammates went to my apartment the day I went to the emergency room because they were worried about my whereabouts.

If you ever notice these behaviors in someone you care about, consult the DSM-5 criteria for diagnosis of a manic episode. Catching it early makes all the difference. My episode was caught early by an online friend reporting my newly found elation to my brother.

2020 was a terrible year. Prior to March I was drudging my way through a Master’s degree I was ambivalent towards. Come March, the world caught fire. The fabric of race relations was ripped at the seam. Cities were set ablaze. People of color were dying at disproportionate rates due to Covid. Our lives were moved indoors. The eye contact crucial to our sanity was usurped by blank stares into a webcam, or even lifeless pictures of our happier selves.

Like many others, I fell into Depression. I struggled with my job search, which made me feel worthless, and felt guilty about being upset when others were dealing with problems much more dire. My experience as a student and a teacher took a sharp turn for the worse. Depression leaves you with no feeling of accomplishment, everything gets discounted.

I recommend Sapolsky’s lecture on Depression, which outlines all the side effects of the disorder.

Because of my episodes of both Depression and Mania, I was evaluated for and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1. The difference between Type 1 and 2 is outlined in the DSM-5 criteria linked above.

I’m in a much better place now, with my disorder well managed. It’s been a challenging journey that isn’t over, but has a brighter outlook. Bipolar is treatable with the combination of psychotherapy and medication managed by a physician or psychiatrist, with a preference towards psychiatry. All these elements have been critical towards my treatment. Other crucial elements of treatment include sleep, exercise, continually taking medication (instead of stopping once you feel better), and consistent contact with a medical provider.

It helps to have the privilege of good health insurance (USA best country) and a support network. Though Insurance Claims are dumb, annoying, and broken.

This disclosure is not meant for sympathy, nor to excuse my previous or future behavior. It is meant to bring awareness to the disorder and comfort others who have it, or think they have it.

Mental health disorders and illnesses matter. They are serious, like a physical injury or illness. They have the potential for serious physical damage to oneself and their surroundings. They are scientifically quantifiable by the chemistry of the brain. They are not, “being weak”, “feeling sorry for yourself”, or deserving of shame. If you were to get into a car accident, that wasn’t your fault, and sustained an injury, would you think of yourself in these ways? Would you judge someone with a broken leg or the flu in these ways?

Mental illness doesn’t define anyone the same way the flu doesn’t define anyone. It’s something you live with and treat. Bipolar is what I have, not what I am.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I hope this was helpful. Feel free to reach out with any questions, or concerns. Best of health to you all.